Being raised in a Christian home, I've had the privilege of knowing about Jesus and being taught to trust in him since I can remember. Though I never had seen him with my eyes, by faith I accepted Jesus as my personal Savior at the age of 5 and was baptized at 8. My faith in the Lord was strong and I continued having this "child-like" faith until my early twenties.
Then I began to see more of life and experience some very difficult circumstances.
In 2006 I began a job as the orphanage supervisor for an adoption agency (Acres of Hope) in Liberia. I was thrilled to assist needy children as they made their journey to loving homes in America. I expected this to be rewarding and enjoyable. That part was. What I didn't expect was how many children we wouldn't be able to help. How torn up I'd be when a birth parent would change their mind, when I knew they really weren't able to provide for the child. How many prayers I'd pray and the baby would still die. Somehow it seemed that malaria was more powerful than God. If a baby was sick I'd cling to them mentally - praying with every free thought - somehow imagining that if I didn't pray enough, they'd slip out of God's grasp and die. A baby died once and the family that wanted to adopt him said it was my fault. Another baby was sick at the time he was adopted. That, in his adoptive family's opinion, was my fault too.
I did everything I knew to do in every desperate situation. So if physically I was doing everything and something bad still happened, maybe it was that my faith wasn't enough, or that my prayers weren't enough, or that sometimes God really wasn't strong enough to stop something bad from happening. I didn't like being in this place spiritually, but my circumstances were so overwhelming, it was hard to see things from a different perspective.
Well, since that time I learned a lot spiritually and had mostly reconciled my questions and spiritual uncertainty.
These past few weeks I've told potential adoptive parents they will not be able to bring their children home, I've returned children to biological family (who were crushed with the turn of events), and I've been jumping through all the hoops the government has set up for the few children they are still allowing to be adopted (those with special needs and adoption decrees completed before the moratorium). I have also been actively involved in trying to settle a case involving a birth parent who wasn't sure he wanted his child (with a completed adoption decree) adopted after all.
No parent should ever have to give their child up for adoption, but because of circumstances, and the illegitimate relationship that brought about the birth of a child, sometimes adoption really is the best solution. In this case I wholeheartedly believed it was. Well, after 2 weeks of counseling and family meetings, the father still did not want the child to be adopted. Knowing what I know about Liberia, the baby will probably die if someone else (neighbor, etc.) does not intervene on his behalf.
And so again I wonder; did I pray enough that the suspension on adoptions would be lifted? Did I fight physically as hard as I could? With the case I just mentioned, maybe God really doesn't have this child's best interested in mind? I can't imagine how the situation he's going back to could ever lead to anything but an early death or being raised in abject poverty and neglect. Maybe God really isn't all-powerful…
But I know that this is not the case. Why? Because God says it's not in his Word. (Ps 10:14; 72:4, Isaiah 25:4). And God does not need my prayers to lift the suspension on adoptions, or change any of the things that are about to happen. ("Is anything too hard for God?" Gen. 18:14). If He did, then I would became more influential then him. He'd need me. But it's the other way around. I need him. And my prayers are more to change me, than to change the things I've been praying about.
Through it all I've seen my faith in God is weak and unsteady. Yes, I still believe God is real and that he has saved my soul. But at times I have so much trouble believing that God really is in control of all that is going on in Liberia right now. Thankfully, when I have my doubts, I hold to the truth in God's Word.
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast." Eph. 2:8-9. It's God's grace that saves us. Sure we need faith to believe and accept Jesus as Savior, but it's his grace that keeps us forever in him. When my faith is weak and I don't understand what God is doing. It shifts like sand under the waves, every time my circumstances change. I am so grateful that I can stand on Grace.
Shifting Sand
by Caedmon's Call
Sometimes I believe all the lies so I can do the things I should despise
And every day I am swayed by whatever is on my mind
It hear it all depends on my faith so I'm feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries is they're so mysterious
And like a consumer I've been thinking if I could just get a bit more
More than my 15 minutes of faith, then I'd be secure
My faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand so I stand on grace
I begged you for some proof for my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff a leprous hand and lions resting lazily
A glimpse of your backside glory and this soaked alter going ablaze
But you know I've seen so much, I've explained it away
My faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand so I stand on grace
Waters rose as my doubts came
Sandcastle faith it slipped away
Found myself standing on your grace
I'd been there all the time
My faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand so I stand on grace
-Melodie
(You can listen to this song online by clicking here. I took the picture of the sunset).
1 comments:
I really liked your article.
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