Violent waves pummel my flimsy boat. I’m thrown to the floor and my face explodes with pain. Warm blood gushes from my nose and throbbing pain surges through my head. My brain power is now forced to tackle agony in combination with surviving the storm. Knees under my chin I cling to the legs that were starting to feel so strong. Legs now covered in blood as if their trembling and quaking were not humiliation enough.

Where are you God?! Wasn’t I just walking on water? Wasn’t it just yesterday you called me out and I stepped forward on new waters of faith?

Shrieking winds lend a hand in destruction, ripping off my tattered sail and whipping it frantically through the wind. That doesn’t represent my faith, does it? I cling with shredded fingernails to my jolting boat, trying not to drown.

Jesus! What were those instructions you gave me? Those words I wanted to remember when I’d experience again the trials of life. Keep my eyes on you and I’ll walk on water?

I strain to open my eyes, but driving rain restricts my vision. I see nothing but darkness.

You said You’d never leave me, but where are You now? Jesus!

Sea water floods my mouth as a wave crashes over me. I choke and cough and gasp for breath. My throat burns with the same pain in my face. Hot tears gush forth, forming a trio of salty fluid. Tears, salt water, and blood mingle together as the ingredients for Desperation I never thought I’d make again.

God, how am I supposed to be rescued if I can’t even open my mouth to call you? How can I pray for salvation when my every thought is consumed with throbbing pain and imminent threat? I hate the taste of Desperation and how have I found myself here again after being freed from depression less than a year ago?

And then, there’s a small break in the storm.

How have I found myself here? I try to collect my thoughts. Figure out what led up to this point and make sense of the terrifying turn of events.

Lighting strikes dangerously close and thunder shakes me to the core. The storm rages on. Yet hope is not completely dead. I remember how You came through for me before and a tiny thread of faith still flies on my mast. I try to stay focused. I can’t see You, Savior, but I can read Your Word. I push through fear and pain and saturate my mind in Scripture.

Another break.

Okay, yes God, I see where my sin could have led to some of this. Yes! I repent!

I duck down as a wave crashes over me. I’m taking in water faster than I can bail it out, but at least it doesn’t catch me off guard and smack me in the face. The bleeding is slowing down and the pain in my head lessens. A little more ground is freed mentally to process what’s going on.

What was the last big thing I asked for?

I backtrack through my thought processes and prayers over the past 2 months.

I wanted to know You more!

I told You I was holding nothing back. I begged you to take my heart and make it all Yours. I wanted to be strong with Your strength. But I knew there was one last layer of brokenness I hadn’t yet addressed. Hadn’t known how to uproot. Things standing between me and complete surrender to You.

Thunder is growing distant, though the storm lingers. It’s still raining, but I can open my eyes. And then I realize You’re right here with me. Perfect Love casts out fear and though my situation has only improved slightly, I’m no longer afraid!

Jesus, I feel you! I cling to You!

 And then Your words come flooding back to me…

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. (I Pet. 4:12-13)

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. (1 Pet. 5:10)

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. (Rom. 5:3-4)

I can only know you deeply through suffering!

When I wanted to know You more, I’d been looking for extravagant blessings and warm assurances of love. I know that’s not all of what life is about, but in my quest to know You, Lord, that’s what I was looking for as the last step to healing.

“I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,” (Phil. 3:10).

And in exactly your perfect timing, You tell my storm, “Peace! Be still.”

Glassy waters gently rock my boat. It’s the morning after the tempest and I’m flooded with clarity as to why You allowed this. Your Spirit guides me on the path to healing those deepest hurts. You point out areas I was unaware were preventing me from drawing closer to You and ask me to surrender them. You draw me gently to my knees in obedience. Weak knees, but spotless and free from shame. It hurts, it’s not easy, and I don’t understand why You allowed this particular storm. But as I look up to You, with a clean, peaceful face, I cannot escape the awareness that I am held and led by a Sovereign God and loving Father who absolutely has my best in mind.

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Unethical adoption has been a topic of many blog posts and news articles in recent days. I've started my own series to address some of these issues. This is a very serious topic and one that can be difficult to comprehend in light of God's sovereignty, that is, the good and the bad that he allows to happen. I hope I can shed some light on this.

I want to be clear that though I do have Bible training, I make no claims of being an expert on how God works and I am so far beyond understanding why God allows some things to happen. But I can share what God has said in His Word and some practical thoughts.

First of all, I want to clarify that unethical does not necessarily mean illegal. Illegal means it was against the law. Unethical means that it should not have happened for various moral reasons, which can include illegal adoptions. Of course no one wants to be involved in an illegal adoption, but I believe an illegal adoption of a child that was truly in need of adoption is better than a legal adoption of a child that never should have been adopted. (Updated: I am NOT saying illegal adoption is sometimes okay. It is never okay. I am only saying that if wrong has been committed, it is better to have happened in the legal system than to a child and his or her extended family.) I also understand there is a difference of opinion in some situations as to whether or not an adoption was unethical.

Secondly, I don't think the adoptive parents are to blame in the case of an unethical adoption. (Unless of course you pushed for something you shouldn't have, or moved forward when you clearly felt God wanting you to back out of the adoption).

I think it is really hard for prospective adoptive parents as a whole to understand the complexity of the issues and I feel most parents went in with pure intentions truly just trying to help. The entire system of international adoption is flawed and I feel certain players (sometimes the agencies, sometimes local staff, sometimes the government, usually a combination of all) let things go on that should never be happening. While prospective adoptive parents have created a demand, it has been unwittingly and in-country adoption workers should know better than to let this fuel the supply.

So how does the Bible shed light on this very complicated issue?

Throughout the Bible it is stated over and over that God is in control of every aspect of our lives.

Proverbs 19:21 reads, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."

Yet in some strange, mysterious way, we humans also have free well.

Despite our free will, the Bible is very clear that if God had not wanted something to happen, if he had not allowed it to happen in his greater purpose, it wouldn't have happened. Though better choices could have been made, though sin still should not have been committed, the amazing mystery of God is that he uses it all for his glory.

This absolutely does not mean we should be sloppy in our adoptions or ministry, or any aspect of life, but it does mean we can trust God will use the mistakes that have already taken place.

I can't begin to understand all this, but this is one of my greatest comforts in life.

God always uses everything for His good.

Always.

He does it with our sin all the time. He does it with those who sin against us. He does it with natural disasters, health crises, tragedy, death. Is he not God enough to do this with your unethical adoption?

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is that of Joseph. His brothers sold him into slavery because they were so jealous of their father's special love for him. Then they lied to their father and claimed Joseph was killed by a wild animal. Later on, through the course of events, Joseph was raised from his position of slavery to be second in command in all of Egypt. When a great famine came to the land, God used Joseph's wisdom to devise a way to store up enough food so hundreds of thousands of people would be saved, including Joseph's very large extended family. 

Joseph says to his brothers, whom he is reunited with later in life, "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." (Genesis 50:20) This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible is it so clearly shows God's  greater purpose in evil.

It is almost mind boggling to think of the logistics that took place to get Joseph from where he was living with his shepherding family to the palaces of Egypt. But God always has a plan. He's using everything from our naivete, to our mistakes, to our obedience to accomplish this plan.

In life there are so many times where we look back and say, "Had I known what I know now, I would have done things differently." It's just part of being human. This has been true for many as they think about international adoption and even look into the faces of the children they brought home. But you can't go back. Are you willing to trust God with the choices you've already made and say, "God, I don't know if I was right or wrong, but I trust that you will use this."

Are you willing to acknowledge the fact that God has a plan even for your failures?

Can you trust that your God is big enough to use even this for his glory? For your good? For the ultimate good of the child you adopted?

I choose to believe that the God who created this world and holds everything in his hands is God enough to use even unethical adoption for his glory.

Many of you reading this had perfectly legitimate adoptions of children in need. If in the past you've been content with the situation you adopted your child from, don't become riddled with guilt over the possibility that maybe it was unethical after all. That's not going to accomplish anything beneficial. 

Up next, some practical thoughts on what to do now if you think or know your adoption was unethical.

Today my heart is heavy as I think about heartache:

A missionary family who's father has been missing for over a month. They don't know whether or not he's even alive. That could by my dad. 

My friend who lost her baby boy yesterday at 26 weeks. That could have been my little boy. 

My own beloved grandpa who was just diagnosed with cancer.

When I heard about those three ladies that were rescued from ten years of captivity in Ohio, I wanted to cry. But not because they were now safe, although of course I am so happy for that. But for what they endured. For the knowledge that there are countless other kidnapped women and children in this country, some living right under our noses. These three are safe now, but how does one even pick up the pieces of life after an experience like that?

Hundreds of excited runners show up in Boston for a marathon. Thousands of enthusiastic friends and family members are there to cheer them on. Hundreds of lives are devastatingly changed when people are killed and limbs are blown off.

How can God be good in all this? 

I don't have all the answers, but I know there is hope for those who trust in Christ.

One of my favorite verses is 2 Corinthians 4:17-18,

 "For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. 

Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 

So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things 

that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, 

but the things we cannot see will last forever." 

(New Living Translation)

After I chose to give my life to Jesus as a child, I often thought that believing in a God that died for my sins was the biggest step of faith I'd have to take in life. But after watching babies die of malaria, seeing precious little ones returned to live in deplorable conditions, and knowing that millions of children around the world will go to sleep tonight hungry, cold, motherless, fatherless...

I have learned that the greatest step of faith in the Christian life is to believe God is who he says he is in his Word. To trust that he is good despite the tragedy. And to somehow hold on to promises like those in 2 Corinthians, believing through the tears that if we endure to the end, that if my loved ones, my friends, those hurting around me, if we all remain faithful to Christ till the end, we will be absolutely blown away by the astounding blessings in Heaven our suffering on earth produced.

And as hard as this life is, God is here to give us comfort in our sufferings. He can heal broken hearts and broken lives, and restore joy to those who've suffered even the most unspeakable loss. And those who trust in him will find deeper meaning in this life while storing up treasures for the next.

Dear God, I pray that no matter what life brings me, when the oceans are deep and I can barely keep my head above the waves, that my faith will stand. That I will never again doubt that you are good, even when what you're doing makes no sense at all in my eyes.

That I will see your grace in deepest waters, and let myself be led by your sovereign hand. That when my feet fail and I am overwhelmed by fear, I will trust in your plan. Knowing you've never failed me once, and you won't start now.

Lord, I know that serving you wholeheartedly and making a difference in this life hurts. But I want to give you my all, despite the heartache I know I will face. So Spirit lead me where my faith is without any limitations, let me follow you wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wonder, that my faith would be made stronger in the presence of you, my Savior, my God, my everything.

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

By Hillsong United

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rice

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rice

My soul will rest in your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

As believers we are challenged to remember the "true meaning of Christmas": the birth of Jesus Christ. This is very important. Christmas without Christ is empty and meaningless. But there is more to Christmas than even this.


I'm 24 this year. Not too old in the eyes of most of you, but because of my mission work I have had the opportunity to see a very hard side of life. Everywhere around the world are hurting people, people living in extremely difficult circumstances, with pain and fear an everyday way of life. Much of America has had the privilege to avoid too much heartache. It surprises many Americans when they learn the shear number of orphans around the world (about 143 million), that almost half the world lives on less than $2.50 a day , that a 13 year old could be forced to hit the streets to bring in an income for her family. What should also be as shocking to Christians is how many people live without Christ. In America there are still many, many people who haven't found hope in Jesus. But there is the chance to find answers all over the place. Bible preaching churches are in most (all?) cities, Bibles tucked into end tables in hotels, information just a click away on the Internet, and there is little to no real persecution for following Christ.

But for most people around the world the gospel unavailable, hard to find, there is no Bible or Christian literature in their language and/or they will face harsh persecution for following Christ. Did you know that of the approximately 16,321 people groups around the world 6,675 of them are still considered unreached? That's a total of 40.9% of the world's population. English is the trade language of Liberia, but most people speak 1 to 3 other tribal languages. Some people don't speak English at all (especially in the villages). Some tribes right here in Liberia do not have a Bible in their language. My brother John-Mark has a burden for these people and will be starting linguistics training in a few weeks to come back to Liberia to bring the Gospel to some of these tribal groups.

As I look around Liberia I see many humanitarian organizations. But comparatively speaking there are way more groups bringing physical aid than those bringing theologically sound spiritual hope. Clean drinking water is good, and everyone deserves that, but without Christ people will simply be given the opportunity to live longer lives of fear and despair, then die and go to Hell. Teaching someone a trade theoretically will build the country up, but without moral groundings in Christ there is nothing to stop the person from selling their new tools for money instead of putting forth the effort to make a living. I am happy to see people caring about Africa. This is the land I love and I feel so strongly for Africa. God had given me a passion for Africa and it is my life goal to bring hope to her people. But when I look around I know that the people in a local community may have clean drinking water, but they are plagued with the fear of evil spirits. The women live like prostitutes to survive; the children are used and abused in the most horrible ways. They have a closed well to get their water from (though that doesn't automatically mean they will now wash their hands after they use the bathroom, won't share cups, etc.) Who is bringing Jesus Christ to these people? Sure, there is a church on every corner. But the leaders are not trained, poorly trained, or teach heresy.

When you truly understand the depravity of humankind, you realize we have no hope but in Jesus Christ. I've had conversations with American Christians who think there is some value to the "good" people in the world. They might not be saved, but "we have a lot to learn from them". An American friend of mine wondered of her religious Muslim friend might actually be on her way to Heaven because of her faithful devotion to Allah (though in reality the person did not practice what is required in Islam to reach paradise). But the Bible is very clear. Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6). And " there is none righteous, no not one." (Romans 3:10) The truth is, any good anyone does, saved or unsaved, is all a reflection of God. There has never been a good dead done that was not a picture of the goodness of God. When you live in a society where being nice and good is pretty much the norm (a place founded on Christian principles), you can believe that being good is something that anyone can do, and doesn't have anything to do with God. But when you see more publicly the hopelessness of man, like I have seen here in Liberia, you are reminded that without Christ it is all impossible.

My favorite Christmas song this year is "I heard the Bells on Christmas Day" by Casting Crowns. Some of the lyrics are:

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play
And mild and sweet their songs repeat
Of peace on earth good will to men

And the bells are ringing
Like a choir they're singing
In my heart I hear them
Peace on earth, good will to men

And in despair I bowed my head
There is no peace on earth I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men

But the bells are ringing
Like a choir singing
Does anybody hear them?
Peace on earth, good will to men

Then rang the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor doth He sleep
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men

Do you hear the bells they're ringing?
The life the angels singing
Open up your heart and hear them
Peace on earth, good will to men

Peace on earth, Peace on earth
Peace on earth, Good will to men


You see, Jesus is the reason for the season. But as my friend posted, he is not just the reason for the season, he is the reason we live! The more I learn in life the more I am overwhelmed at how bad the world is. (I am not being dramatic here. I could tell you things that are normal in many places of the world that some of you wouldn't even believe.) In middle-class America it's easy to think that things really aren't that bad. But they are…It would be very easy for me to feel hopeless. Like the song says, "In despair I bowed my head. There is no peace on earth I said." But I am reminded this Christmas 2008 that there is hope. Jesus Christ came as a baby to the world to bring peace to a troubled world. Without Christ there is nothing good on earth, there are no answers to life, there is no hope…and this is just the earth part! When we die we will either go to Heaven or Hell. All of us are destined to Hell unless we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. Jesus also brings us hope for eternity! I am moved to tears at this realization and am more thankful than words can convey to know these truths, to know personally Jesus Christ, and to have the chance to bring hope to lost souls here in Liberia.

I pray you too understand the true meaning of Christmas. Do you understand that Jesus came to earth as a baby, God made into man, to die as the sacrifice for our sins? That in believing in him we may have life? I hope so.

John 3:16
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Jesus, our hope.

I pray you have a wonderful Christmas!