New birth. It’s something caterpillars experience. Seeds. And people who begin a personal relationship with Christ. And it’s now my story, too. A story I never would have dreamed for myself and had no reference point for when God’s full healing and renewal came. Did you know God’s resurrection power isn’t just for your initial salvation experience? It’s available to anyone who would cry out to Him for love and rescue. In my darkest day, I cried out to God in sheer desperation. I had no idea how to move forward. But today, one year after God broke through and began His great rescue of my heart, I have been reborn with a brand new heart and identity.

James 4:8 says draw near to God and He will draw near to you. This has become so real for me I find myself trembling at the reality of Emmanuel. When I created the space to meet God, sacrificing sleep most days to spend 45 minutes in devotional time and raw, honest, broken prayer, the walls began coming down. As they started falling I could see the outline of who God really is. But it wasn’t until a recent trial crushed me I was ready for complete renewal. When the last enemy had been slain, the last known sin confessed, the last wound of my heart healed, everything changed. I found myself face to face with God. Not the God of my childhood, but THE GOD of Heaven. Not the strict, harsh God of my misunderstandings, but a gentle God who wanted to rescue me and whose greatest desire is nearness to my heart.

God alone was my Healer in this process as I never went to regular counseling and was not recommended a recovery program. From dark depression and sickening fear, to staggering clarity and joy in one year, is only a miracle He could perform. He led me to scripture that was shockingly relevant to me. He placed books in my hands by great authors whose words counseled me. He brought up difficult memories for me to take to Him and grieve through.

Today He has surrounded me with a body of believers with whom I feel a deep sense of love and belonging. Did you know I’ve lived my entire life without that? Well, this year, I have been drowning in assurance that I have hundreds of people in my world who know me, love me, and want to spend time with me. And as if all this weren’t enough, God has begun bringing in funds for our return to Kenya with shocking generosity. I find myself looking to the sky saying, who ARE you God? Because He is so different than I thought He was.

The God I thought I knew was over there. My God is in my face, all over my life, ever asking for increased portions of my heart. Simultaneously making my aching heart complete in ways I never knew possible.

The God I thought I knew was ambiguous and not super interesting to me. My God is astonishingly beautiful. All the beauty in all of creation is but a dim reflection of Him. All the love, joy, kindness, grace, redemption and anything else in this world that stirs our hearts and brings us deep satisfaction, are all reflections of who He is as a Being.

The God I thought I knew was small. He was preoccupied with other people’s cool stories and forgot about Melodie. My God is infinite. He is fully present in my world. He sustains creation from the worms in the ground, to the majestic giraffe, to the sun that rises and sets. He is within my heart and within the stars in the farthest reaches of the cosmos. But these are just His creation! He Himself is so vast He could never be measured. To get an idea of how mind boggling this is, consider this: When we’re in Heaven a billion years from now, there will still be things we are learning about God. This length of time would intimidate me if I was not getting acquainted with this Great Gentle God of love and wisdom. Oh, and this also means that Satan is really really small. Whom shall I fear when the Infinite God of Eternity is my Father?

The God I thought I knew sent His Son Jesus to die for the sins of the world. But I was just a number that happened to be included in this “world.” My God loved me personally before the beginning of time and every part of the agonizing sacrifice for my sins was equally for me as for any other person.

One of the biggest changes in my perspective about God is learning that He is crazy about our hearts. I used to think He was preoccupied with His glory. While He absolutely deserves glory, the primary way He gets this is by us giving Him our hearts. All of our hearts, all the time, for all our lives. All the hearts of my American friends, Liberian friends, Kenyan friends, and those from every tribe and nation of the world. He wants each of us.

After wandering alone for so many years, I have found my place of belonging as a Child of the God of Heaven, surrounded by the body of Christ, believers from all around the world. I’m starting over with a brand new heart and unshakable identity. My mourning has been turned to joy, my ashes to beauty.

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people to be his very own and to proclaim the wonderful deeds of the one who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” 1 Peter 2:9

This beautiful song has been continuously played during this precious season. You can listen to it here on YouTube.

Over All I Know

You tell mountains they must fall and they fall
You tell oceans to be still and they're calm
You tell sickness it must leave and it's gone
In my weakness, God, I know You are strong

You are the one above it all
I stand in awe, You're the God over all I know
No higher Name, no greater throne
You stand alone, You're the God over all I know

You tell broken things be healed and they're whole
You tell fear it has no place, it must go
You tell death it has no chance, it won't win
And if You are for me, God what can come against?

You are the one above it all
I stand in awe, You're the God over all I know
No higher Name, no greater throne
You stand alone, You're the God over all I know

I believe it, I have seen it
My God is over all
I believe it, I have seen it
My God is over all

Violent waves pummel my flimsy boat. I’m thrown to the floor and my face explodes with pain. Warm blood gushes from my nose and throbbing pain surges through my head. My brain power is now forced to tackle agony in combination with surviving the storm. Knees under my chin I cling to the legs that were starting to feel so strong. Legs now covered in blood as if their trembling and quaking were not humiliation enough.

Where are you God?! Wasn’t I just walking on water? Wasn’t it just yesterday you called me out and I stepped forward on new waters of faith?

Shrieking winds lend a hand in destruction, ripping off my tattered sail and whipping it frantically through the wind. That doesn’t represent my faith, does it? I cling with shredded fingernails to my jolting boat, trying not to drown.

Jesus! What were those instructions you gave me? Those words I wanted to remember when I’d experience again the trials of life. Keep my eyes on you and I’ll walk on water?

I strain to open my eyes, but driving rain restricts my vision. I see nothing but darkness.

You said You’d never leave me, but where are You now? Jesus!

Sea water floods my mouth as a wave crashes over me. I choke and cough and gasp for breath. My throat burns with the same pain in my face. Hot tears gush forth, forming a trio of salty fluid. Tears, salt water, and blood mingle together as the ingredients for Desperation I never thought I’d make again.

God, how am I supposed to be rescued if I can’t even open my mouth to call you? How can I pray for salvation when my every thought is consumed with throbbing pain and imminent threat? I hate the taste of Desperation and how have I found myself here again after being freed from depression less than a year ago?

And then, there’s a small break in the storm.

How have I found myself here? I try to collect my thoughts. Figure out what led up to this point and make sense of the terrifying turn of events.

Lighting strikes dangerously close and thunder shakes me to the core. The storm rages on. Yet hope is not completely dead. I remember how You came through for me before and a tiny thread of faith still flies on my mast. I try to stay focused. I can’t see You, Savior, but I can read Your Word. I push through fear and pain and saturate my mind in Scripture.

Another break.

Okay, yes God, I see where my sin could have led to some of this. Yes! I repent!

I duck down as a wave crashes over me. I’m taking in water faster than I can bail it out, but at least it doesn’t catch me off guard and smack me in the face. The bleeding is slowing down and the pain in my head lessens. A little more ground is freed mentally to process what’s going on.

What was the last big thing I asked for?

I backtrack through my thought processes and prayers over the past 2 months.

I wanted to know You more!

I told You I was holding nothing back. I begged you to take my heart and make it all Yours. I wanted to be strong with Your strength. But I knew there was one last layer of brokenness I hadn’t yet addressed. Hadn’t known how to uproot. Things standing between me and complete surrender to You.

Thunder is growing distant, though the storm lingers. It’s still raining, but I can open my eyes. And then I realize You’re right here with me. Perfect Love casts out fear and though my situation has only improved slightly, I’m no longer afraid!

Jesus, I feel you! I cling to You!

 And then Your words come flooding back to me…

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. (I Pet. 4:12-13)

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. (1 Pet. 5:10)

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. (Rom. 5:3-4)

I can only know you deeply through suffering!

When I wanted to know You more, I’d been looking for extravagant blessings and warm assurances of love. I know that’s not all of what life is about, but in my quest to know You, Lord, that’s what I was looking for as the last step to healing.

“I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,” (Phil. 3:10).

And in exactly your perfect timing, You tell my storm, “Peace! Be still.”

Glassy waters gently rock my boat. It’s the morning after the tempest and I’m flooded with clarity as to why You allowed this. Your Spirit guides me on the path to healing those deepest hurts. You point out areas I was unaware were preventing me from drawing closer to You and ask me to surrender them. You draw me gently to my knees in obedience. Weak knees, but spotless and free from shame. It hurts, it’s not easy, and I don’t understand why You allowed this particular storm. But as I look up to You, with a clean, peaceful face, I cannot escape the awareness that I am held and led by a Sovereign God and loving Father who absolutely has my best in mind.

Hearing the word “suicide” in relation to a name I recognize is like a sucker punch to the gut. Last week two well-known individuals lost their battles to depression and chose to end their own lives. Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain were two inspirational people, each beautifully made in the image of God, whose deaths have left countless people reeling. Their suicides are a sobering reminder that we can have fame, beauty, and money; we can create beautiful things that bless and inspire others or travel the world and celebrate diversity and culture. But in the end find none of these compensate for our inner suffering or sooth the ache in our hearts for purpose. None of these bring freedom from the depression that grips so many of us.

My heart breaks for the people I knew who faced such despair ending their lives seemed to be the only way forward. Hearing of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain’s suicides is like scratching that wound raw again. There are many things people say about suicide, but in my opinion, it is the last, terrified act of a soul in immeasurable pain. Is there hope for those struggling with this level of inner torment? There are suggestions being passed around, most of them helpful in theory, but the reality is, when one is in that place, it’s difficult to do anything but survive. Even more, depression and thoughts of suicide can paralyze our mouths, making it nearly impossible to voice the anguish in our souls. I know, because I’ve been there. But today I stand in the light on the other side and I cannot keep silent about the hope I found. It kept me going in my darkest moments and has brought deep healing to my heart, transforming my life and setting my mind free to experience joy again.

That hope is the saving power of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. You see, the reason our souls cannot bear the pain of this world is because we were never made to. We are spirit beings designed to live in relationship with a spirit God who enables us to face the darkest realities of life and brings tangible restoration to our most broken places. This kind of healing is not a religious platitude or 7-step self-help program. Rather, it is a dynamic, personal intervention by an all-knowing God who understands our deepest wounds and wants to reach out in love to provide complete healing and renewal. For me this began by crying out to God for help. I read the hope-filled words of Jesus recorded from his time on earth, like those found in the Gospel of Matthew. Then God began sending me exactly what my parched soul needed: friends who love me unconditionally, books that revealed my heart wounds and how they’d led to my depression and harmful thought patterns – then what steps I needed to take to heal from these, songs that lifted my spirit, and even the difficult to describe awareness of Christ’s comforting presence with me. I am a different person than I was a year ago and I owe it all to Jesus. Without him I wouldn’t be here today.

Jesus is inviting everyone to this level of hope and healing. He brings purpose to this life and assurance of a beautiful afterlife. He is capable of healing our darkest depression and guiding us to an abundant life of wellness and vitality. He is a loving God who offers a way of salvation from the wrongs we have committed and those that have been committed against us. And it all begins by crying out to him for help.

For those who may not be struggling with depression, but are left breathless in the wake of your loved one's suicide, there's hope for you too. I am convinced the most bitter loss is that of a loved one taking their own life. But Jesus is offering to carry that unbearable burden of grief and restore your soul. He's able to give you purpose again when your life may now feel meaningless. He is gentle and strong, and knows well the path to healing.

There is hope from depression and thoughts of suicide. There is healing in the aftermath of suicide. And that hope and healing is found in the transformational power of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, 

and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 

(Matthew 11:28-30)