New Heart, New Identity, New God

New birth. It’s something caterpillars experience. Seeds. And people who begin a personal relationship with Christ. And it’s now my story, too. A story I never would have dreamed for myself and had no reference point for when God’s full healing and renewal came. Did you know God’s resurrection power isn’t just for your initial salvation experience? It’s available to anyone who would cry out to Him for love and rescue. In my darkest day, I cried out to God in sheer desperation. I had no idea how to move forward. But today, one year after God broke through and began His great rescue of my heart, I have been reborn with a brand new heart and identity.

James 4:8 says draw near to God and He will draw near to you. This has become so real for me I find myself trembling at the reality of Emmanuel. When I created the space to meet God, sacrificing sleep most days to spend 45 minutes in devotional time and raw, honest, broken prayer, the walls began coming down. As they started falling I could see the outline of who God really is. But it wasn’t until a recent trial crushed me I was ready for complete renewal. When the last enemy had been slain, the last known sin confessed, the last wound of my heart healed, everything changed. I found myself face to face with God. Not the God of my childhood, but THE GOD of Heaven. Not the strict, harsh God of my misunderstandings, but a gentle God who wanted to rescue me and whose greatest desire is nearness to my heart.

God alone was my Healer in this process as I never went to regular counseling and was not recommended a recovery program. From dark depression and sickening fear, to staggering clarity and joy in one year, is only a miracle He could perform. He led me to scripture that was shockingly relevant to me. He placed books in my hands by great authors whose words counseled me. He brought up difficult memories for me to take to Him and grieve through.

Today He has surrounded me with a body of believers with whom I feel a deep sense of love and belonging. Did you know I’ve lived my entire life without that? Well, this year, I have been drowning in assurance that I have hundreds of people in my world who know me, love me, and want to spend time with me. And as if all this weren’t enough, God has begun bringing in funds for our return to Kenya with shocking generosity. I find myself looking to the sky saying, who ARE you God? Because He is so different than I thought He was.

The God I thought I knew was over there. My God is in my face, all over my life, ever asking for increased portions of my heart. Simultaneously making my aching heart complete in ways I never knew possible.

The God I thought I knew was ambiguous and not super interesting to me. My God is astonishingly beautiful. All the beauty in all of creation is but a dim reflection of Him. All the love, joy, kindness, grace, redemption and anything else in this world that stirs our hearts and brings us deep satisfaction, are all reflections of who He is as a Being.

The God I thought I knew was small. He was preoccupied with other people’s cool stories and forgot about Melodie. My God is infinite. He is fully present in my world. He sustains creation from the worms in the ground, to the majestic giraffe, to the sun that rises and sets. He is within my heart and within the stars in the farthest reaches of the cosmos. But these are just His creation! He Himself is so vast He could never be measured. To get an idea of how mind boggling this is, consider this: When we’re in Heaven a billion years from now, there will still be things we are learning about God. This length of time would intimidate me if I was not getting acquainted with this Great Gentle God of love and wisdom. Oh, and this also means that Satan is really really small. Whom shall I fear when the Infinite God of Eternity is my Father?

The God I thought I knew sent His Son Jesus to die for the sins of the world. But I was just a number that happened to be included in this “world.” My God loved me personally before the beginning of time and every part of the agonizing sacrifice for my sins was equally for me as for any other person.

One of the biggest changes in my perspective about God is learning that He is crazy about our hearts. I used to think He was preoccupied with His glory. While He absolutely deserves glory, the primary way He gets this is by us giving Him our hearts. All of our hearts, all the time, for all our lives. All the hearts of my American friends, Liberian friends, Kenyan friends, and those from every tribe and nation of the world. He wants each of us.

After wandering alone for so many years, I have found my place of belonging as a Child of the God of Heaven, surrounded by the body of Christ, believers from all around the world. I’m starting over with a brand new heart and unshakable identity. My mourning has been turned to joy, my ashes to beauty.

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people to be his very own and to proclaim the wonderful deeds of the one who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” 1 Peter 2:9

This beautiful song has been continuously played during this precious season. You can listen to it here on YouTube.

Over All I Know

You tell mountains they must fall and they fall
You tell oceans to be still and they're calm
You tell sickness it must leave and it's gone
In my weakness, God, I know You are strong

You are the one above it all
I stand in awe, You're the God over all I know
No higher Name, no greater throne
You stand alone, You're the God over all I know

You tell broken things be healed and they're whole
You tell fear it has no place, it must go
You tell death it has no chance, it won't win
And if You are for me, God what can come against?

You are the one above it all
I stand in awe, You're the God over all I know
No higher Name, no greater throne
You stand alone, You're the God over all I know

I believe it, I have seen it
My God is over all
I believe it, I have seen it
My God is over all